Funniest Thing I've Read in a Long Time

(A little PG-13 at the end)


My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled
in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for Toni.

The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not
familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal
prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage,
low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed
to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs
into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render
him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck
geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not
create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was
going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I
wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the
while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, b
itsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is
like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad
decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't
ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran
in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body
slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on
my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, test***** nowhere to be
found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with
a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if
you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh
like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later
(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected
my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my test******? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward.
Miss 'em . . .sure would like to get 'em back.

NOTE TO MEN: DO NOT buy your wife a Tazer gun. NOTE TO WOMEN: Buy lots of
batteries . . think of the possibilities.

This message is provided to you as a public service to illustrate that
stupid should hurt, and most assuredly always does in my case. Have a nice
day!